When I started this blog, I so wanted to write every day. If nothing else, I thought it would be cathartic for me to write down the things we are going through, to submit my thoughts into the abyss. I've actually written several posts in my head, intending to sit down and write them in as soon as I could breath for a couple of minutes. Sadly, that hasn't happened.
I'm not afraid of commitment, honest! :) It's more I'm afraid of revisiting my day. By the time I get to the point I can write anything down, I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm emotionally, physically, and in every other way, spent. I feel like I'm in survival mode most days, just trying to get through this one to get to the next one.
Autism is a bitch, and not at all selective. She doesn't care that you have a big project due for work, or you had the flu the day before, or that you were trying to burn the candles at both ends again and got little sleep. She will raise her ugly head any damn time she feels like and give your life an extra helping of hell.
My son, The Professor, is the one she torments the most. He's moderately Autistic, which means he's sort of in the middle of the Spectrum. He doesn't speak...well, in any way anyone can really understand him. He shrieks, yells, sings, cries, and tries to pronounce single words (no sentences). Most of the time, he sounds like he has a speech impediment. I describe it as listening to a deaf person speak. As far as we know, though, his hearing is fine.
So, most of his meltdowns are him trying to communicate with us. This is, along with his other behaviors, are completely draining us as parents. As a mother, my heart breaks when I cannot understand, nor comfort, my son. By the end of the day, I'm so Autism-ed out that I don't even want to dwell on it any more.
I need help, though. I feel like I'm losing my grip most days, and I know that I have to hang on. There's just no other choice. We are all we have -- just each other.
Most people will say things to us like, "Oh, I don't know how you do it!". Well, I don't either. I. Don't. Either.
